I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
