It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
