Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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