She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
