My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
from now on my penis is your penis
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
