I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
