Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
