I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
