I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
