how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
