i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
