I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
