just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
