dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
