theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We left the knife in your bed.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
