I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
