I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
