Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
