I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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