I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
