I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
