Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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