Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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