Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
