my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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