So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
