So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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