just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
