He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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