I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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