I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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