Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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