I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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