There is no way he is gay with that hair.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
