Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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