I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
