I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
