My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
