my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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