life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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