i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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