i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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