i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
