I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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