Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
