On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
