Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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