lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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