I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
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He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
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the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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