Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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