Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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