They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
