my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
