I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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