Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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