Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
