I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I've blown a few things in my day
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
