I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
