yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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