Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
