Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
