Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
