dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
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Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
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So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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