the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Randomize
