Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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